How to Apologize at Work

The cost of workplace conflict is high — and not just financially. While American companies pay millions in wages for time lost to conflict, other effects are equally as bad — and continue to raise costs. Employee retention and engagement suffer when conflict occurs at work. 

So what are ways to head conflict off before it starts? 

Here’s a hint: We learned it in kindergarten. The most direct way to prevent debilitating conflict at work is to apologize. 

“Effective apologies can restore broken trust, convey competence and warmth, and begin to mend damaged relationships,” says Alison Wood Brooks, an assistant professor specializing in negotiations at the Harvard Business School. But, how can HR facilitate apologies at work, and what are the best practices to encourage? 

Here are some approaches to take when facilitating effective apologies at your organization.

Avoid Bad Apologies

An effective apology is meaningful and sincere. If it sounds forced, it probably won’t be very effective. Don’t waste time after you’ve realized your mistake, and don’t make excuses. Both undermine your credibility. The best routine for an effective apology is to approach the other party, apologize for the offense and, if applicable, offer to change the offending behavior in the future. 

Another common pitfall is the “non-apology,” which sounds something like this: “I’m sorry you were offended by my actions.” This “apology” doesn’t take ownership for your actions and instead shifts the blame to the other party. “Asking for forgiveness emphasizes that you recognize that the fault was yours,” says Roger Dooley, author of Friction. “You’re not shifting the blame to someone’s misinterpretation of your actions.” 

A Good Apology Looks to the Future

Most offenses are behavioral in nature and can therefore be controlled. If you want to demonstrate sincere regret for your actions, offer an assurance that you will try to change the offending behavior in the future. “The component that our research finds to be most effective in apologizing is the promise to change in the future,” Brooks says.

Promising to make changes — and actually working to make those changes — shows that you really do care about the other person involved. “It goes beyond simply apologizing and demonstrates true sincerity,” Dooley says. In the event of a broken promise, it’s even more crucial to make a swift, sincere apology. At this point, it may require arbitration. 

HR’s Role in Apologies at Work

A hard and fast policy may undermine the sincerity of an apology. After all, if someone “makes” you apologize, does it really come from a place of regret? Instead, the best practice is for HR to facilitate open discussion. This works to foster communication across the board, not just in cases of conflict.

“Creating cross-functional communication is important,” Dooley says. “When somebody does offend someone else in a way that might demand an apology, that greater level of understanding will reduce the chance that an apology would be required in the first place.” HR must be proactive in creating channels of communication before conflict escalates.